This is a tough subject to discuss. I’ve avoided it for a while, but the voice in my head wouldn’t stop nagging me to share it, so that I might help others.
Know this. If you have a dream, if you long for “something more” in your life, then…Expect haters. Watch for doubters and nay-sayers, too.
Not everyone is going to support you growing and changing. Some might even be quite vocal about it.
Critics and Haters Aren’t the Same
Just because someone disagrees with you or questions what you’re doing, does not automatically make them the enemy, or a hater.
Criticism, even harsh ones, can teach you about yourself and how to be better. These people aren’t afraid to dialogue with you to explain: either in person, over the phone, through a letter, via email or on social media.
These are difficult conversations, to be sure, but they’re doable. However, I’m not talking about them.
I’m talking about nasty, vicious trolls. People who thrive on tearing you down. Often, in public. Especially, on the internet. It seems like the bigger you become, the more haters you’ll encounter.
I’m not famous by any means, but apparently I’m big enough for a We Hate Marcy fan club.
They Hate Us ‘Cause They Ain’t Us
Here’s a comment from a hater on a guest post I wrote back in 2015 on a HUGE writing blog with over 250,000 readers. My article was about what I learned from reading Creativity Inc. by Ed Catmull, co-founder of Pixar Studios. At the time, I also had a free eBook on my website called Writing Naked about the vulnerability you feel during the creative process.
Hater to me: “I think it’s disrespectful to heavily quote Ed Catmull in an article with so little original content. Why even bother putting your name on it, McKay? Why bother putting your name on anything? Writing Naked sits on my hard drive only as proof that even on my worst day, I will never publish anything as awful as that. You’re not an asset or resource to writers, McKay. You’re something we should all aspire not to be.”
Me to Hater: “Thanks for your opinion.”
Nice Guy to Hater: “I think it’s disrespectful to comment on an article meant to encourage writers for no other purpose than to flame the author. You are not an asset or resource to writers. You are something we should all aspire not to be.”
The Aftermath
I was fortunate that the blog owner didn’t like drama, so he deleted the comment and sent a stern email to the hater about his behavior. My writing group congratulated me since I was apparently growing my audience and making a difference to others.
Except it didn’t feel like a compliment. I felt attacked, shamed and worthless.
The Gift of Time
In 2015, that comment sent me into a serious tailspin. However, I rallied and Pennies from Burger Heaven was published later that same year. Today, my novel has over 250 Amazon reviews, with an overall 4.6 rating. I have readers tell me my story changed their life. It’s incredible.
When I reread that hater’s comment today, I thought HUH. NO BIG DEAL.
GROWTH! I don’t remember his name. The sting has long since faded. I actually feel sorry for that man because he’s obviously not a happy person, but I don’t dwell on him anymore.
Don’t Tie Your Self-Worth into Others
Don’t misunderstand me, 1-star reviews still hurt my feelings. However, they no longer define me. You cannot validate yourself by the response of others — positive or negative. Otherwise, you’ll constantly yo-yo back and forth between the two:
They love you – you’re great!
They hate you – you suck!
The Only Way to Rise Above Haters
My situation was extreme because it happened in a public forum, though it can be even more painful when it’s in private from a friend or family member. The closer the person is to you, the more their doubt hurts.
What helped me to move beyond that hater was to return to my WHY.
WHY do I write?
I write because I have to. I love words. Fiction and nonfiction fill my heart and soul with joy. I need writing like I need oxygen.
What’s your WHY?
WHY are you pursuing your dream?
WHY do you want to start your own business? Go back to school? Write that book?
Your answer will help keep you focused and give you the drive needed to stay the course.
If you’re NOT pursuing your dreams, what’s stopping you? Hint – the answer is almost always fear. Acknowledge that you’re afraid, then do it anyway. Take baby steps to make it less terrifying.
Sadly, fear is not a one-time event. You’ll have to face it, over and over. Nothing worthwhile is ever easy. Believe in yourself and push forward. Even when it’s hard, or when you’re scared, and you want to give up.
Yes, you’ll have setbacks and even fail. No worries. That’s part of the process. Just begin again.
Do not let haters stop you. Don’t give them your power. Haters are creative vampires who suck the dreams from others because they’re too scared to even try.
How do you handle haters or doubters?
Please leave a comment. I’d love to chat.
Pick up your FREE copy today, The Moon Rises at Dawn . Read, enjoy, repeat.
Sorry to hear about the troll, Marcy – but glad that you shared your experience with us. It’s good to be reminded about the “why”!
BTW – How’s the story coming along? Have you decided to self pub or look for another publisher?
Thanks. We MUST ground ourselves into WHY we write. Otherwise, we’ll just get beaten up out there.
Aren’t you sweet to ask about my novel! Thanks. I found an editor who really clicked with my book, but she had a family emergency and will be gone at least two weeks. I’m waiting until she returns, then, (depending on the price), we’ll get to work on my manuscript.
Today, right at this mili-second, I think I’m going to self-publish, but who knows. The saga continues…
Hi, Marcy – I believe what you said: “They hate us ’cause they ain’t us.” Granted, I’ve only written one guest post, but it was a positive experience. I know that I don’t hold all the same “popular” views that many people do, and when I get my website up and running, I am going to be honest and share my experiences, strength, and wisdom. Maybe not what everyone want to hear, but so what. They don’t like it? They don’t have read it. although I’ll admit, it will be hard to bite my tongue (maybe I’ll give myself time to simmer down) when the haters do show up, but I will gr to follow your example of “Thanks for your opinion.” Words to live by.
We all have to speak our truth, Laura. I don’t know what your website will be about, but if it’s that controversial, then the gift/curse you will have is that those who follow you — will be true fans. Good luck!
Haha! Actually, my site will be a training and resource site for nonprofit folks. It may not sound controversial, but with funding “priorities”, starving nonprofits who do good work on skeleton crews, and funders playing favorites, there’s plenty of controversy I could get myself into!
Ahhhh, Laura. I worked in the nonprofit world for 15 years, so I understand everything you’re doing. Good luck!
Sadly, there are people who go out of their way to put others down and look for those opportunities. I must agree. Although I’ve never experienced an actual “hater,” I’ve read a lot about other who have, some of which have mostly 5- star reviews with 1 “bashing.” It’s sometimes not easy to get past that one “basher,” so we can hopefully take solace that the majority are in our corner. I would venture to say the vast majority who bash are insecure and need to release their written aggression to make them feel better about themselves.
Marcy – I love your philosophy. I love that you go out on a limb to help people. You are bigger than any troll and bigger again for not responding in kind – Glad to know you
Phil Turner, you were one of the first subscribers to Mudpie Writer, so I will always, ALWAYS be grateful to you. Thank you for your kindness and generosity!
I concur with your sentiments. Words are our thrill… and if others don’t like it, tough!
Hey, Chase. Good to see you here. You have a great attitude. We must hold onto our mental toughness and keep writing. Thanks!
It is very hard to deal with those who are haters. But are we writing for them? I don’t think so! Each of us begin the writing process writing for ourselves, or should be. I think if you are being honest with yourself about your writing, and you KNOW it’s good, then don’t let others (the haters) drag you down. There are people like that out there connected to every aspect of life: they’re kind of like bullies. For reasons such as jealousy, warped points of view, feelings of inadequacy, or misplaced anger, they spend time attacking others instead of finding ways to make their own lives better. It’s very sad, but their words aren’t a true commentary on your writing. Don’t take them as such.
Woohoo, Lisa. Great points. Sadly, there are haters/bullies in every aspect of life. We just need to ignore them and keep doing our best in whatever we’re striving towards.
MUCH easier said than done, but that’s the healthiest option. We cannot dwell on the haters, or they win.
A nasty note does sting and the shock value makes us take a step
back. We fret a bit wondering if what they say has any truth to it. Yet,
once we really take stock of our talents we only need to think, TROLL!
Trolls
are always beaten with a strong “Why”. Their reason for living is to
lift themselves up by crawling onto the backs of other people trying to
bring them down to troll level, but you, and most other writers, have a
why that is so much stronger that once the troll sees our strength they
crawl back under the bridge.
Keep your “Why” strong and put on a
little bit of invisible armor. There are nasties everywhere and they
hide in the least expected places. When they come out you will ready to
toss them back under the bridge.
OUTSTANDING, Kathie. It’s so great to see you around here again and I LOVED every word you shared. THANK YOU.
Yes! Let’s keep those troll under the bridge, where they belong.
So sorry to hear about the troll, Marcy. You are correct: keep the trolls under the bridge. I am so hard on myself, I sure don’t need trolls yammering in my ear. Critics welcome, trolls not so much.
Thanks so much for your sound advice and your blog. Highlight of my day.
Good point, Diane. Most writers are hard enough on ourselves. We don’t need haters to beat us up worse.
We need to change that. We should be kinder to ourselves as we write and ignore the haters along the way. The aren’t worthy of our time, effort or energy. 🙂
It makes me sad to read this, Marcy, but I’m glad you shared it, because it’s important for us all to be prepared when our turn comes (if it hasn’t already). Words have the power to hurt, there’s no denying that, but they can also heal, connect and inspire, which is what your writing is doing for so many readers. It’s great you found the strength to carry on speaking your truth, regardless of what anyone says.
Thank you, Catherine. You expressed my intent of this post beautifully and I appreciate your support.
Write on!
“NEVER respond to negative reviews”
This cannot be expressed strongly enough, Marcy. I’ve seen books slammed because the reviewer didn’t like the Yukon because it’s too cold, nothing to do with the book or the writing. They didn’t even read it.
Haters can be found in the least likely places. I asked a question on Goodreads to see how the reviews on Amazon get organized and was immediately attacked by numerous members by going to my book’s page and clicking on any lower reviews so they become the first that are seen. I learned later that they were “teaching me a lesson” because they thought I was trying to “manipulate the system.”
I didn’t respond to that either.
I recently received a mediocre review because the reviewer thought that in the next 20 years the whole world would change and, in their opinion, I didn’t have enough new technology reflected in the book. While I beg to differ, I didn’t respond.
Haters and flamers are the bane of any artist. As you stated, “Why do I write?”
That is the only question that deserves an answer.
Have a wonderful day everyone.
Norm
OUCH, Norm. Sounds like you’ve earned an unofficial PhD in haters. My apologies, though KUDOS to you in how you did not respond. That’s what they want — to get in a online, verbal sparring match.
You did the right thing — to move on and keep writing. Congrats, my friend.
The best advice I’ve heard (now second to yours) was that there are only two acceptable responses to a hater. Silence. Or “thank you.” Diane is right, we’re hard enough on ourselves without giving any weight to the trolls. What has helped me was to decide it was my job to write it and after it was released, it was God’s business what became of it. Takes the sting out a wee bit. 🙂
Actually I think, “Silence or thank you,” should still be the #1 advice on how best to respond haters. Mine is just more rambley of how I reached that same conclusion.
I like how you tie your faith into your writing, Robyn. So true, so true. As always, thanks for your wisdom. 🙂
Hi Marcy!
Great to read your words, as usual.
Yes, the detestable haters exist out there, but one must stick to their Kalashnikovs and simply chortle at their ignorance.
As others here have so eloquently stated, we can become our own worst enemies, hating our writing, wondering why in hell we attempt to compose anything at all, never mind the simple-minded imbeciles out there who promote such feelings of self-loathing.
But you know what? We get back in our respective chairs, and write some more.
The gist of the matter is never to allow the naysayers to live rent-free in your head.
Take care, and may the writing Muse be ever present.
Paul
You are so very eloquent and inspiring, Paul. Thank you. And you’re right, I got back in my chair, ignored that hater and wrote anyway.
Best to you and your Muse.
Hold your head high, Marcy and write honestly and from the heart. If some bully says something mean, hold your head high and continue to do what you love! You’ll have many more people in your life who treat you with respect than the bully ever will.
I agree 100% with Phil Turner and am glad I subscribe to marcymckay.com, I’ve learned so much from you. Thank you!
What a gem you are, Doris. I am SO glad I shared this post with you all, but will not lie. It’s been a tough month, but that hater did get me down in the beginning. It just takes time, but I worked my way through and am back stronger than ever.
I do understand that you were hurt, but it’s also good to hear that you’ve worked through it. Way to go, Marcy!
Thanks, Doris. My dad used to say, “Don’t let the bastards get you down!” 🙂
Love it! Your dad was a very smart man!
If that hateful person had said that to me my friend. I would Have replied, ‘when I want to hear from an asshole, I will fart.’ I love your writing, and can’t wait for the sequel along with hundreds of other fans of yours. Keep on trucking. X
You go, lady! I did read that comment on the blog you mentioned, and merely smiled because it reeked of envy and jealousy *shrug*
#HUGSS I am glad you rose above that troll – as for why we are drawn more towards the negative than the positive, I guess it’s only human.
Years ago, one person made a negative comment about me that led me into the pit of eating disorders. I am still crawling my way out of it – and, remember, I have around 100000000 people on MY SIDE.
But that one negative rings loud and clear 🙁
Seeking inspiration from YOU #HUGS
Kitto
Good for you Kitto on crawling out of your eating disorder. As I wrote this post (because I did NOT want to write this post), I thought…THIS is why writers crawl into the bottle and become raging alcoholics.
Kudos to you and and me and everyone else here at MPW for trying to do what we love (write) in a positive, professional way. #HUGS
I like how you make the distinction between critics and haters. At first glance they might appear the same; telling us what is wrong with our work, our creation. Remembering the critic’s role, their objective being a positive one, is the key to using their words to better our own.
The haters don’t care if we improve or never write again, though perhaps that might be in their thought process. If they can injure us enough then there will be one less person creating something they cannot. These have nothing positive, or better, to offer. No sharing of their creativity….
One blog I read, and I don’t remember if it was here or another one, spoke of a writer who felt they had to reply to hateful words and how they became embroiled with the person in a back and forth. It only became worse and proved to be even more negative than if the author had simply left it alone and moved on. That was a good lesson to learn. It’s like wrestling with a pig in mud…. After a while you realize he likes it! And you’ve lowered yourself to their level.
Not easy to deal with, but forewarned is forearmed! So thanks Marcy for sharing…
Thanks for sharing that story. You didn’t hear it here, but I’ve hear various versions of that same woeful tale and it NEVER ends well for the author.
Since this is Mupdie Writing, I like your comparison of wrestling a pig in the mud. HA! I appreciate you joining this important conversation.
Haha. I didn’t notice until you made the connection with “mud” pie …
I’m with you, Marcy! I have to write and can relate to these stories festering until they come out. The way I can tell the passion is when I’m doing other things than focusing on my writing projects (for some reason being in the shower spurs my creativity), I am constantly thinking about how to resolve issues and questions in my stories, and this is truly a great feeling. A write knows he or she is a writer when they think about writing when they’re doing something else. Hopefully that “something else” isn’t too important!
Getting ideas in the shower is VERY common — something about the flowing water spurring creativity. Cool! I wish I did that. Passion is so important because writing is too much work is you’re doing just get rich and famous (plus, the haters aren’t worth it if you’re just phoning it in).
Happy writing, Jack
Besides thinking that I am not good enough, fear of the haters has kept me from sitting down and writing regularly since high school. About 20+ years. The thing I have been telling myself lately is I really won’t know until I get stuff written and put it out there. Then deal with the haters when they come. I plan to ignore them if they don’t have anything constructive to contribute. Thanks for this article.
Hey, John,
I’m so glad you didn’t hang up your writing pen for good. Clearly, the call is strong inside you if you’ve longed for it for 20+ years now.
Follow your own advice: you really WON’T know how you write until you put it out there, then deal with the haters if come (then ignore them). However, be patient. Writing takes time, patience and practice. We’re glad you’re in the game and I appreciate your two cents.
Marcy, you are so right and that is to be expected. Haters are simply jealous. They didn’t say it and are jealous because the writer had the guts to say it. Guess what, they will get over it.
Thanks so much for the article.
I’m not sure what the rationale is behind the haters because they’re so irrational. Regardless, I’m now very glad I shared this post because it really seems to be resonating with people and I’m enjoying the discussions with folks, like you.
Thanks for that!
Keep be honest with yourself and keep the good work going
That is my #1 intent, Pamela and it’s easy with such a fun group at MPW.
I’m so glad I read this article. It’s true if you rely on others to validate your writing you’ll never really feel good enough especially if you listen to those who bring you down. You reminded me why I want to write. I want to tell these stories and I’m letting my fear of people disliking them stop me from even attempting them. I’ve got to get these stories down and regardless if others like it I’ll like it and that means so much more.
Oh, Sarah, please do WRITE down your stories. Right now, it lets the haters win before you’ve even tried. The good news is — is that if your honest in your writing, then you’ll have many more admirers and readers than haters. The rewards far outweigh the risks.
Marcy, I don’t have any haters (except maybe my grandpa, but that is a different story) simply because I do not write enough to have my name out there. I want to write more, but school doesn’t always allow for that.
Thanks, Helaine, but I think you’re mistaken. You don’t have any haters….YET. I’ve seen what you post at The Write Practice, so I KNOW you have talent. Expect haters in your future.
You also are one of the generous souls who have stood up for me to other haters on other guest posts. Thank you for that. xo – m3
I’m always willing to defend a good writer, and you Marcy definitely fit into that category.
Thanks, Helaine, but back to you. You’re also a good writer, so EXPECT haters in your future. 🙂
Just wanted to say that I live you, McKay. 🙂 Not only do you have talwnt, you share what you’ve learned with others. Write on,McKay!
This made me laugh and smile. THANK YOU, Archer.
I grew up hearing… “KILL THEM WITH KINDNESS!” So when I come across a person that is not…. I hit them with positive words and positive comments. Cute outfit… who cuts your hair? I love it… Isn’t the weather sunny today! ? When you work for the public, you hear a lot of negative comments! What kindness doesn’t cure… age smooths over. My new motto is: If I only knew then… what I know now! Life is short no mulling over things!
You can’t please all the people, all of the time! So look for the kind ones!
Write on Marcy, you’re a good one!!
Thank you, Janie. You’re such a ray of sunshine in a sometimes dreary world. That guy REALLY knocked my socks off back in 2015 … it was cool to see how I’ve grown beyond that. Life is always a process.
Ugh, so sorry, Marcy. I utterly detest anyone who uses last names when talking to anyone, unless they prefix it appropriately. That to me, as you’ve alluded to, says far more about their holier than thou attitude than it does about you, or the content of your guest post.
For the record, Mrs. McKay, I absolutely adore you, and I know countless feel the same way <3
Your words ALWAYS encourage me, EmFairley. Thank you for the kindness + encouragement you spread in this world.
You ALWAYS encourage me, and indeed all of us. Thank you for being YOU! <3
People are not always satisfied with their lives so they try to take you down their path .We were an animal rescue for more than 18 years and I would get some of the worst mail you can imagine .All we ever did was neater/spay /give shots ,train and love more than 2,000 animals . Still — some didn’t like we were helping animals and not people so they chastised us for it . You cannot be all to all the people , just be who you are and forget the idiots out there. Easier said than done ,but ,you did it and hopefully others can too .Wish you all the luck you can handle.
I.
Bless you for the work your animal rescue work, Inger. I know others in that field, and it’s HARRRRRD since you since the worst of humanity. Haters are a part of life, so I focus on connecting with good folks like you. THANKS for your comment.
Thank you Marcy for sharing your painful experience and for reminding me what my Why is. I’ve had a lot of haters and doubters in my life, but I think it’s my own self-loathing and fear that keeps me from fulfilling my dream of writing and creating my own publishing company.
Oh, sweetie, PLEASE deal with your fear and self-doubt. I’ve been down that road and know it does nothing, NOTHING, to improve your like in anyway. For years, it kept me playing small, while my heart ached to write.
You have a story that others need to hear. This world needs words of encouragement, funny stories, powerful stories, even painful stories. We need articles, posts and books that make us FEEL and CONNECT to one another. Think about it and maybe give it a try…BABY STEPS. xoxoxo
Thank you. Writing poetry is my passion, and I’ve written poetry collections that have given me a voice. I hope they give a voice to people going through similar things. My fear of people’s reaction or rejections stop me from taking the steps needed to deliver inspiration to those who need it.
I’m impressed you write poetry (because I suck at it). In many ways, I think it’s one of the hardest forms of writing.
Your fears are perfectly responsibly because you WILL receive negative reactions and rejections. They’re all part of the process, but the inspiration you could provide others, as well as honoring your call to write are worth it. Good luck to you!j
Thanks Marcy. I’ll take baby steps.
I’ll send prayers and good vibes your way…
Marcy, you were very classy in your answer to the hater. Taking away their ability to hurt is the best way of dealing with haters. I have learned to not “take the bait” haters troll with. By responding in a non-threatening way, like you did in answering in a way that takes the bite out of the hater you leave them looking like the foolish jerks they are!. My dad always told me to use honey, not vinegar, to deal with things. You end up the winner by proving you are a much better person. Good for you!!! Well done!! ?
Thanks so much, Sandy. My reply was very calm, but BELIEVE ME, there were a spew of curse words and tears behind the scenes. Fortunately, he never saw any of that, and I have much thicker skin now. ONWARD!